The Hogsmeade Riot
by Meknowenglish
Summary: The L.A riots are nothing compared to this... ^-~ PG-13 for disturbances that may tramautize a more stable mind...


[At Hogsmeade, inside of Honeydukes]  
  
Ron: "Hey Harry! The sugar quills are on sale, five for a two sickles!"  
  
Harry: (searching pockets) "Oh dear!" (pouts) "I have no more money!"  
  
Ron: (incredulously) "What!? Your friggin rich, how can you not have a sickle on you!"  
  
Harry: (sobbing into Ron's sweater) "Th-the mean o-old witch outside of Three Broomsticks  
t-tricked me out of my money a-again!"  
  
Ron: (sighs heavily) "So now we have thirty gallons of imitation butterbeer to finish again?"  
  
Harry: (shaking head, sobbing harder) "N-no, now we have fifty pairs of anti-ripping socks!"  
  
Ron: (vein bulging) "Grr..."(looks at quills, then slips two into his pocket)  
  
Harry: (hiccuping) "R-hic-on! That's bad!"   
  
Ron: (stuffing more candies in his pockets) "Oh, who are you then, my mum. Help me carry  
these Fizzing Whizbee's"  
  
Harry: (crying as he stuffs candy into his jacket) "(sob)...-sniff- ..(sob)!"  
  
Wizard Behind the Counter: "Hey, what are you kids doing!" (advances on Harry and Ron)  
  
Ron: "RUN!"  
  
Harry: (dumbfounded) "Der!?" (Ron kicks him, and they both run away)  
  
Harry: (screaming loudly and panting) "WE'RE-- FUGITIVES-"  
  
Ron: (running as well) "No we're no-"  
  
Harry: (crying out insanely) "CROOKS! CRIMINALS! DELINQUINTS! IT'S JUVY HALL FROM THIS POINT ON! (throws head back and laughs madly) ) Fures! Somos Rateros!!! Ay DIOS MIO!"  
  
Wizard from the Counter: (roaring) "BACK HERE! Wild, pilfering YOUTHS!"  
  
Ron: (yells a bunch of spells, pointing his wand behind him) "Crucio-furnunculus-densaugeo-avada kedavra!"  
  
[Many are hit, a few killed]  
  
McGonagall: (walking out of the Three Broomsticks, extremely intoxicated) "Whoa!" (pulls out wand) "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"   
  
[She makes a bunch of spoofy, blue, man-eating monkeys appear)  
  
Seamus and Neville: "Argh! The MONKEYS!" (bow before the monkeys piteously) "Show mercy on us, oh GREAT HAIRY ONES!"  
  
[The monkeys eat them]   
  
McGonagall: (annoyed) "Well, they are MAN-eating..." (appears dazed)  
  
[Harry and Ron bump into McGonagall]  
  
McGonagall: (slurring) "Got a sickle on you?"  
  
Ron: "Sure, trade you for your wand." (pulls out a knut)  
  
McGonagall: (gives him the wand) " Okie-dokies."   
  
[Ron and Harry take off again]   
  
McGonagall: (salutes Ron and Harry) "G'bye, little gingerbread boys!" (hiccups, then walks back into the Three Broomsticks)  
  
[The blue monkeys are now running amok, breaking windows, and eating more innocent bystanders]  
  
Fred: "Oy, George look!" (sticks hand into the joke shop's broken window) "Five-finger discount!"  
  
George: (yells loudly) "HEY! It's a FREE-FOR-ALL!!!!!"  
  
Rita Skeeter: "Latest news, a riot has broken out at Hogsmeade..."  
  
[Several Gryffindors pick up Rita Skeeter, and use her to break open a window]  
  
Lee Jordan, Angelina, and others: " O'le! Ole Ole Ole!" (scramble about) "Tally hoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
[Everyone in sight begins grabbing various items out of broken windows]  
  
Cho: (carrying a broom) "Oh HO! No more Comet-two sixty!"  
  
Harry: (staring at Cho) "You're purty-ful." (takes her hand) "If I may profane...with my unworthiest hand....this holy shrine..."  
  
Cho: "Er...."  
  
[Harry receives another swift kick by Ron, and they continue running]  
  
Harry: "Ron, we have to fix this mess!"  
  
Ron: (sighs) " I think I have an idea--"   
  
[They bump into Hermione, who is carrying a mountain of books]  
  
Ron: (glancing at the bookshop) "Looks like your the only one taking from the bookshop..."  
  
Hermione: (eyes darting around excitedly) "Yes....me, so many books...(laughs) "What FOOLS these mortals be!"  
  
Harry: "Excuse me?"  
  
Hermione: (screaming to the heavens) "Over two-THOUSAND years of magical history to SAVOR!" (begins frothing at the mouth) "I-I am the QUEEN of all written LITERATURE!!!!!" (begins to sob at her bountiful load, and dashes off)  
  
Harry: (turns to Ron) "Sooo....what is your plan?"  
  
Ron: "First, lets go to the middle of the village."  
  
[They arrive at the center of Hogsmeade, only to bump into Sirius and Wormtail]  
  
Sirius and Wormtail: (dressed like police men) "You kids--are under arrest!"  
  
Harry: (disbelieving) "You-you have become a police man?" (shakes his godfather) "A POLICE MAN! What about all that you stand for!? Y-You were a marauder, and you're a fugitive- and (gasps) you're working with Wormtail!"  
  
Wormtail: "Hey! That's OFFICER Wormtail!"(chuckles)   
  
Ron: (slowly) "Hey, the wizarding world doesn't have police that wear muggle uniforms..." (points accussingly at Sirius) "And if your supposed to be on the run...how did they let you become a officer?"  
  
Sirius: (ashamedly) "Alright, alright. We stole these outfits from one of the shops." (unholsters a water gun) "Wa HAAAA!"  
  
Ron: (rolls eyes) "Okay...time for the magic." (grabs Harry's wand)  
  
Harry: "Hey!"  
  
Ron: (waving wands, including McGonagalls, furiously, and mutters a spell,)  
  
KAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooM!!!!!!!!!!  
  
[Silence]  
  
Harry: (missing half his teeth) "W-what spell did you cast?" (a sparkly purple mist has settled over the village)  
  
Ron: (hair sticking up) "J-just the s-spell my mum uses to wash the dishes..." (shrugs) "I thought it would clean up the mess here."  
  
Harry: (near tears) "YOU USED THE--AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
[A large cow has whipped past Harry, and other various items]  
  
Cow: (forlorn) "MOOOOOOOOOOO!" (veers off toward the Shrieking Shack)  
  
Harry: (looking at the cow like a long-lost brother) "M-moooo!!!!!!" (sniffles)  
  
Ron: "It looks that everything is floating around..."   
  
Lockhart: (accompanied by a cornish pixie) "Yes...we can fly now."  
  
Harry: (brightens) "We can fly!?"  
  
Lockhart: "You can fly!"  
  
Cho, Ginny, and other students: "We can fly, we can fly, we can fly!!!!"  
  
Lockhart: "COME CHILDREN! To Never-never land!"  
  
Students: " ...It's the same as having winnngssss!'  
  
[The pixie flutters down to Harry and Ron]  
  
Harry: (spellbound) "It is like--the lovliest tinkle of bells..." (the pixie pinches Harry savagely)  
  
[Lockhart and the foolish children fly off]  
  
Harry: (likewise floating) "Oooooo...."  
  
Ron: (pulling Harry's leg sharply) "Get down here, you stupid prat."  
  
Harry: (eyes filling with tears) "I--want to go to Never-never land...(sob)"  
  
[Fred, George, and Snape come floating into view]  
  
Fred: (appears to be swimming in mid-air after a few floating chocolate frogs) "C'mere..." (chuckles)  
  
George: (lying on his back, whistling) "Don't worry....Get happy..."  
  
Snape: (floating two feet from the ground, in a fetal position) "I-I'm afraid of heights." (looks down, and wails loudly)  
  
George: (snapping out of his reverie, looking out toward a distance) "Oy! Their back!" (He grabs Fred's elbow, and they fly away)  
  
Harry: "Who-"  
  
[Suddenly, a swarm of screeching blue monkeys appears]  
  
Ron: "Jesu Maria! In the name of all that is good and holy!" (stares at monkeys, to stricken to move)  
  
Harry: "Hmm...." (sticks his backside out to the monkeys, slapping the right side of his butt) "Ha HAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
Monkeys: (infuriated) "Eek! Oookkkk Ackkkkkk! Eakkkkkk!"  
  
Harry: "Oh crap."  
  
[The monkeys begin chasing Harry and Ron]  
  
Harry and Ron: "AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
[The monkeys stop at Snape, sniffing him curiously]  
  
Snape: (eyes shut) "Oh dear..." (the monkeys crowd around him)   
  
Ron: "WHO HOOOOOO!"  
  
[A weary 'Moo' is heard in the distance]  
  
Harry: (perks up) "My BROTHER!" (eyes glitter)  
  
Cow: "MOOOO-"(sound is cut off, followed by a loud crash, and splinters of wood and cowhide float above the Shrieking Shack)  
  
Ron: "He must have finally reached the Shrieking Shack...."  
  
Harry: (drops to his knees) "No.....no...NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Ron: "Harry! Look, just over that wall and we'll be out of Hogsmeade!"  
  
Harry: "Okay!" (runs headlong into the wall) "BAAAMMMMMMMMM!"   
  
Ron: (shakes head) "No more cartoons for you."  
  
Harry: (clutching head) "Oww...."  
  
[They jump the wall]  
  
Harry: "Phew! We're out! (looks at the mess that is Hogsmeade)  
  
[People are floating everywhere, chasing after their hats. The purple mist is rising, and Draco is seen atop of the whole mess]  
  
Draco: "I am ruler of all! BOW BEFORE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
People: (shrug and bow)  
  
Draco: "MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Harry: (flying back to Hogsmeade) "Oh no you don't--"  
  
[Harry stops at the sound of a leaves rustling]  
  
Ron: "What was that?"  
  
[McGonagall stumbles into view]  
  
McGonagall: (throws arms around Harry and Ron) "Hello! It's my little gingerbread friends!" (bites Harry's ear)  
  
Harry: (yelps) "OW!"  
  
McGonagall: (indifferent) "Don't make gingerbread boys like they used too...(looks around, bewildered) "Where the hell am I?!"  
  
Ron: "Umm....just outside of Hogsmeade."  
  
McGonagall: (nods importantly) "Oh...." (sways) "-thump-"   
  
Harry: (pulls out invisability cloak, and places it over McGonagall) "Never should an eye behold such a disgraceful sight." (shakes head sadly)  
  
[Hermione floats into view, books swirling around her]  
  
Hermione: "Ohhh...You guys are in soooooo much trouble! Wait till Proffessor McGonagall finds out!"  
  
Harry: "She's not in much a state to punish us..." (lifts corner of cloak, revealing a snoring McGonagall) "Uck! She spewed on my cloak!" (covers her up again)  
  
Hermione: (floating higher) "Oh my!"  
  
Ron: (twitching smile) "Hermione, ever heard of spontaneous human combustion?  
  
Hermione: (higher, higher) "Yes...."  
  
Harry: (crying as he watches her) "Tell me all about the Neverland!"  
  
[They watch until she is a small dot against the night sky]  
  
Harry: "NO FAIR! How come SHE gets to go to Never-never land!" (starts bawling)  
  
Ron: (poking Harry) "Wanna go back to the castle now?"  
  
Harry: (stops crying and shrugs) "Yeah, alright then..."  
  
END  
  
Hope you enjoyed the story...it was dug out from the deep crevices of my brain where not a single  
sane neuron nor cell dwells..(cackles madly) Hehe...must go now... TO THE NEVERLAND! (flies away)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Peter Pan, Romeo and Juliet or anything else that made money in this fic...(pauses) Hear that? I........am.....making...no....money." (begins to cry) 


End file.
